Holiday Eating Tips

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A MOMS Club friend send this as a forward this morning.  I found it so funny I laughed for about 20 minutes.  To the person who wrote this: I love you, I miss you, where have you been all of my life?  You must be my soulmate.

holiday-eating-tips

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1.    Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You
cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to
turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday  party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple ,  Pumpkin ,  Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor   Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in hand, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Merry Christmas!!! HAPPY HANUKKAH!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Photo from Christmas-Cookies.com (and I linked you to a great sugar cookie recipe. You are welcome and I will be there by 7pm so start baking!)

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About the author: I’m a 30-something mom to three, brand ambassador. content creator, social media maven, blogger extraordinaire, earth lover, butcher, baker, candlestick maker (or something along those lines) – love word games, crafting, cake decorating or shooting pictures.

17 comments… add one

  • Hahaha… Here is the best holiday eating tip I can give: Just EAT! That’s it :)

    Reply
  • I don’t like eggnog – yuck! I will totally pile on the gravy, though!!

    Reply
  • I laughed so hard I about peed my pants! I needed his today!

    Reply
  • I expected this to be a typical “drink lots of water, carry celery in your purse” type post and was laughing so hard! LOVE it!!!

    Reply
  • Very funny! For the most of the month of December my motto was “Weight Watchers? What’s that?”. Now that the holidays are finally over it’s time to get back on track………

    Reply
  • I love this…My kids will even tell me to not eat anything before we go to a holiday dinner, that way we can eat more lol. And believe me, they stick by this rule every year.

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  • lol – this made made laugh when i remembered my stomach hurt after eating dips/cheese balls that were mostly made of butter and cheese. i had some pepto for 2 days. ugh!!

    Reply
  • I saved a copy in Word. What a hoot! loved it!!

    Reply
  • Those are great ideas, I just wish I had more willpower!

    Reply
  • That is hilarious. thank you so much for sharing with your readers. Everything that the author says is soo true!

    Reply
  • LOVE this post!!!!! We all need some humor after the holiday meals!!!!! My theory is to just ENJOY all the food because we only eat like that on Thanskgiving & Christmas so we might as well enjoy 2 great meals a year!!!!

    Reply
  • Haha hilarious!

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  • HILARIOUS! The author of this excerpt and I are torn from the same fabric of life. I truly, truly believe 100% of every single word written above! This read totally brightened my day.
    May I suggest to the author to write something about New Year’s Resolutions??? I bet that excerpt would be a kick in the pants. Hee-hee-hee-hee!
    Thank you so much for sharing, I thoroughly enjoyed this read.
    kimbuckjr

    Reply
  • This is too funny! I love the whole ‘go somewhere where they’re not serving carrots’ LOL and the whole ‘have some standards’ – in view of the fruit cake. I’ve never actually seen a fruit cake in real life, so I always find it funny when people talk about them.

    Reply
  • Love the final quote; wonder who came up with it.

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  • Oh yeah great tips. There is nothing better than a mashed potato and gravy volcano!

    Reply
  • I think we should print these on cards and hand them out at a holiday party or dinner to relieve stress and have some good laughs!

    Reply

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